Hello May

first day of may

I realised after yesterday’s extremely long ramble I need to get out of a rut. I write because I need to get the things out of my head but I fear I’m veering off course and I need to get back on track. I’m so easily distracted and need to work on focusing more. So I’ve decided to keep my huge word counts for finishing my novel instead! I like blogging, I like writing, I like sharing in the hopes that it helps someone else or make someone else feel less inadequate when they see what a hash I’m making of my own life.

Some things you cannot change, so you have to change your attitude in how you deal with them. May might turns out to be just as disastrous as April but the sunshine this morning gives me a different vibe, funny how sunshine changes our perception of everything, as I said in an Instagram post this morning sunshine is the best filter. When it’s raining and cold, it’s damp and miserable but when it’s cold and sunny the weather is fresh and invigorating. I feel invigorated this morning, which is nice because it’s been a while since I felt that way. I move with the seasons, it’s time to stop hibernating and come out of my slumber and get on with things. I spend far too much time saying, rather than doing!

frank

I was woken up before 6 this morning by one of the demon cats, Frank likes to get up at the crack of dawn because he’s well a cat and human sleep hours are an inconvenience to him! I forgave him though look at that face, that and the fact that when I opened the back door to let him out, the blue sky was streaked with orange clouds as the sun rose, the birds were chirping and the air was fresh and crisp, a stark contrast to yesterday’s dark and grey rain. I wish I had the energy to stay awake and enjoy the moment but tiredness walked me back to my bed instead and I overslept. Damn you cats fighting at half past midnight!

I have set myself goals for the year and they are getting done, albeit slowly but I’m being less strict with time frames and it is helping ease the pressure. I was talking about how routines are important and they are but this month I want to work on reestablishing some good habits, like going for a walk, reading more, sewing more, even if it’s for five or ten minutes a day. I took all these photos on my phone this morning, spent 2 minutes cropping and editing because that’s all it has to really take, just two minutes.

yellow tulips

I bought these tulips the other day because I was sick of the grey weather and the flat needed splash of colour, they reminded of little bursts of sunshine. This morning they have woken up and bloomed and I feel the same.

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Seasons of Change

Pink camellia

It dawned on me that I’m very much in tune with the seasons, I move with them like the tide as each one rolls in and out. In the winter I tend to be me more sombre with an urgent desire to rest and recharge, the darker days make me want to hunker down and hibernate, I become less social and less productive.

In the spring I wake up, I welcome the return on the warming sun, enjoy the blossom and the earth waking up. There is the want to dye my hair a brighter colour, the darker, heavier clothes get put away, the lighter and greener foods return to my plate, flowers start filling my garden.

In the summer I embrace the bold colours and look forward to visiting the sea, in the autumn I am forever in awe of the beautiful colour that come before the darkness of winter sets in and we begin the cycle all over again.

Camellia

Humans never stop, we go against the grain, we are always pushing ourselves to hard, everything (in the western world least) is available at the push of a button, we never stop. A sense of urgency and it’s too late has been ingrained into us, the rules to success are

Maybe that’s why I never have a definitive style, I tune into my surroundings and my style and work reflect that and maybe that’s what I’ve been overlooking. I’ve been searching for a style and brand and it’s been there with me all the time, almost chameleonic  as I adapt to my surroundings.

Pink Camellia Bush

I get I’m sounding a little hippy witch right now but nature has always been my first source of inspiration and you know from previous posts that I feel very connected to nature but this isn’t just about that. To be honest I’m not really sure what it is about (what’s new?) All I know is that my work is about to take a different direction and I need to stop stalling, I need to let my work take it’s course and bloom, it’s not about trying to fit in or stand out, it’s just about trying to grow in what feels like a hostile environment.

When I look at the daily news, I know that I am grateful for what I have and sometimes my meanderings seem a little whiny and privileged, I get to wake up and be self-employed every day, I’m well taken of. I haven’t always been, so I fully appreciate when I am. I like my life and I’m happy, which is why it feels weird to always feel so overwhelmed and anxious over the smallest of things. Big things I can handle, small things not so much.

Camellia

Sometimes I think I should be more meaningful with this blog, give it a purpose, make it stand out as a voice amongst millions with something profound and important because I spent so much time and money on this blog, and then I remember that’s not why I’m here. I’m just here like many others because I can be, this will eventually be a place for to promote and sell my work which I’m not very good at, the more I try the further my stats and sales figures go down. I acknowledge that business and blogging is a rollercoaster, we are  the currently in a hurtling down phase but that’s not a reason to get dispondent or give up, it’s just the reason you need to take that leap of faith and try that thing you’ve always been meaning to do.

Photos by me.

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‘This Is My Art, and It’s Dangerous!’

delia2

I will live with you in the hellhole but I must express myself!

Delia Deetz

We all wanted to be Lydia, cool and quirky in her oversized hat but deep down I’ve always know I’m Delia, slightly unhinged and my art will probably kill me, not physically like Delia’s almost did but the agony over what to create probably will. I more like Delia than I care to admit but I’m learning to embrace my inner Delia and my flakiness, and having recently purchased a pair of black pleather opera gloves, may start wearing just one as an homage. I’ve been saying for a while I want to get back into art, when I think about it I’ve always wanted to be an artist but never really taken it seriously because of whatever reason – lack of confidence, distracting life crap, the need to pay rent, bills and eat, the fear that it’s too late? (FYI it’s never too late as long as you’re still breathing!)

I figured when I became self-employed it would be sooner rather than later but everything has its course I guess. That said it hasn’t stopped me stock piling art supplies. Over the years I’ve dabbled, I used to draw when I was young, even got an A in my GCSE. I probably should have taken it further but decided against it for whatever reason and ended up breaking my promise to my teen self about never getting a boring office job which I ended up in for 13 years. I managed to take some art classes in between but never really pursued due to poor time management and perpetually being distracted by something else.

I know what’s holding me back and it’s not just lack of patience and rehoning my skills, it’s the fear of not being original and not having my own style. You might have read in previous posts, I’ve always struggled to find my niche or brand because I just don’t know and I constantly suffer from imposter syndrome. I know that I want to start painting again, I know that I like photography, I know that I just have to let go and get on with it, so I am. I know that the projects I want to do will take time, research and practice, and what with me deciding to quit one business to make room for the other, now is the time to get over myself and get on with it! Today is that day to let go of the fear, you only really fail if you don’t at least try. I’ve also ran out of excuses.

 

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