It’s weird how a hashtag on social media can plant a seed in your brain.
I have always been a highly strung and anxious person, borderline manic at times, totally manic at other. I worry a lot, about everyone and everything. I worry I’m not doing enough, I worry that I am letting people down, I worry that I have hit peak in my life and this is all I’ll ever achieve. I have always been this way, I worry about things that are way out of my control and that tends to overshadow the things that I can control.
I am a workaholic who is totally committed but nothing ever gets quite finished, always a work in progress, a bit like myself. This summer I suffered what I guess is called a crisis of confidence in my work, partly because of various life situations, partly imposter syndrome, partly too many things on the go. It has always been hard for me to just do one thing, I lack focus. Apart of me wonders if it’s a subconscious form of self sabotage.
Sometimes slowing down is not enough, sometimes you just have to stop. I can’t keep going on like this flitting between one thing to the next, I’m going in circles, chasing my tail and not getting much done. Yeah I get stuff done, some of it half heartedly, a lot of it in a slap dash manner but no real satisfaction from it. What was the point of quitting a soul-destroying job to live the dream if only to live it half arsedly! (Yeah I get that’s not a word!) I have someone who constantly reminds me that they believe in me, even when I don’t, this has made me believe in me more, so I need to be better to me to do better.
I need to take time to eat better, cook more, exercise more, plan better, go on more adventures, stop trying to keep up, say no more, make more things, deactivate Facebook because seriously what is the point of that site anymore? Send less time being outraged at stupid people on twitter (easier said than done) I want to stay politically woke but also I want to go back to posting cute animal vids all day. Knit more jumpers for myself, sew more clothes for myself, dress up more for no reason, paint more, read more books, write more stories, delete time sucking phone apps (Candy Crush is the devil’s work), sleep more, definitely sleep more, do what I can within my means and not feel guilty when I can’t.
So I’m not starting anything new, this is the other mistake I keep making do-overs, restarts, etc. I’m not starting over, I’m picking up where I left off, one thing at a time. I have enough unfinished projects to keep me going. I’ve archived the posts on here because this is a new chapter, I’m seeking a simpler, slower life. One person’s adventure might be another person’s snorefest but I get why Hygge and Slow Living are becoming more and more popular but this is also about taking the time to figure out me, what I want, where I’m going, just to sit and breathe for a while.
Winter is coming and the urge to hibernate is taking over, I also struggle in the winter with S.A.D. so routine is more important during the winter months, the distraction is necessary, and usually this is the busiest time of year for me but the economy is telling me different, it is what is, sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Did I tell you I spent most of the sitting on my sofa watching telly and playing a game on my computer in my pyjamas? It felt really good.
P.S. I did deactivate facebook, for now.
(Photo taken at Leigh-on-Sea by Me)