The Asthmatic Elephant

Warning this post is about exercise and health and there aren’t actual asthmatic elephants in it!

I’ve always hated exercise, I didn’t much like P.E. at school and could always be found loitering around the edge of the field trying my hardest to avoid participating. some of it was fun, some of it was crap. in my younger days I managed to stay moderately fit by a) stomping round my room to the radio in a feign attempt at dancing, my parents would regularly come home to the house shaking and scream up the stairs that they were home and would I stop the stomping. This made me conscientious enough to develop a new skill by being able to nimbly move round the house like a ninja, this skill that came in handy when rocking up home and sneaking past my parents bedroom in the early hours of the morning and which I now use to walk up behind my boyfriend and scare the bejesus out of him by apparently appearing out of nowhere! and b) walking. Growing up in a time where Humvee style buggies did not take priority on a bus, in fact you had to fold down you buggy and seats were for old people and pregnant women, having three kids under the age of four made travelling on public transport a bit of a nightmare, so my mum just used to give a packet of opal fruits as a bribe and I’d walk anywhere. This had two outcomes one was I love walking, if I have the option between the public transport and walking, I’ll take walking. The other outcome was an overzealous sweet tooth! For a while one cancelled out the other and my body remained reasonably fit.

And then I got an office job and sitting around all day, the pounds piled on. I have one of the body frames that carries extra weight well, mainly because people were distracted by my huge boobs! However I was finding it chore moving around, thigh chaffing and then the inevitable happened where one of my dresses ripped because I’d got to big for it. On top of just coming back from a holiday where my not so slight cousin had declared on my immediate arrival that she was happy that i was fatter than her! My body confidence hot an all new low. It took a while, as also something was setting off bad reactions to food, i was advised to cut out dairy products. along with taking up swimming, weight watchers and buying a second hand lateral thigh trainers which eventually fell apart i managed to shed five dress sizes down to a small size twelve and i had never felt healthier, then i got complacent. I figured walking to and from work everyday was enough but then I hit my thirties!

I have a love hate relationship with food, I love food but my body hates its. It’s taken me years to figure out without much helps from doctors to figure out what my stomach can handle and what it can’t. Doctors diagnosis always comes down to stress, over the years I have been tested for this and that and finally a doctor advised me about fodmaps, foods that are split into groups of high and low (I won’t bore you with  the ins and outs of it, you can google it if your interested). People with IBS or other stomach conditions and advised to eat food with low fodmaps. after several painful stomach episodes I’m now taking this fodmap thing seriously. I no longer walk to walk after relocating to the outskirts of East London (I’m still coming to terms that it’s Essex!) and it takes at least an hour and twenty minutes to get work each day on public transport. I’m in my mid thirties so my metabolic rate is naturally slowing down but my appetite isn’t. My wardrobe options are dwindling and there’s a history of heart disease and strokes on both sides of my family cue me having a crisis.

The Goth has a cross trainer and a Wii fit so I figured I’ll just use those and it will be okay. So the Wii fit turned out to be boring and not much use, I much prefer actual hula hooping that pretend hula hooping ! So I decided to switch to the cross trainer, the Goth explains all the settings to me and I’ll say I’ll attempt twenty minutes and see how far I get. Turns out not very far, you see The Goth didn’t quite inform me how painful the fat burning setting was! It starts off on about 2 not very hard and then alternates between that and level 7, very hard for an unfit cow! He confessed to be able to hear me wheezing from upstairs, I was not wheezing my lungs were collapsing, though to be fair I have only just giving up smoking, again! Now in my younger days an incident like this would have caused me to make a million excuses to avoid doing that again but I am really determined to sort out this health issue and I know the only solution is healthy eating and regular exercise. So I carried on but set the machine to a less ridiculous setting of 1 i.e. the lowest setting possible and a target of twenty minutes, after a few sessions I finally got to the stage of reaching twenty minutes and then I fell arse over tit in Brixton (see last post of Diary of a Klutz) and buggered my knee. Cue another stomach episode from comfort eating so I vowed for the fifty billionth time to grow up, get a grip and stop treating my body like a trash bin! So on Thursday I got back on the treadmill, I managed 13 minutes before my thighs gave up and turned to a quivering wreck, which was slightly disappointing. However on Friday things took an up turn, instead on setting the machine on a twenty minute countdown and I set it to time from the start of the session and see how far I get. 4.5 miles  and 27 and half minutes later I was pleasantly surprised at how well I’d down despite doing my best impression of an asthmatic elephant. When later sharing my achievement (this in my book is an achievement) the step child exclaimed that I would be laughed at her school because they have to five laps of 4 miles in cross country for P.E., cue me asking Really? You have to run a marathon in an hour? Her yes. Me and her dad are you sure? After much discussion we finally convinced her that her calculations may be slightly off and the school field track was not four miles in length!

So far October’s health kick has been a success, I’m still eating healthily, I’m back exercising, my main motivation is repair some of the damage down my 15 years on abuse to my body and stop getting out of breath every time I do the slightest bit of exercise, also I can’t be arsed to buy a new wardrobe of clothes mainly because I don’t like high street fashion or wearing over priced badly made clothes. No doubt I will ruin all my hard work when Christmas arrives though I have become one of the people who now gets organised ridiculously early for Christmas by stocking up on the larder now, but half price whole salmon would be silly to ignore plus the pescatarian step child needs feeding as well.

I promise I won’t bore with regular health and exercise posts, lords know you probably stopped reading this ages ago which is probably cue for me to stop driveling on, though I may check in the end of the month to let you know how the October health went!

2 thoughts on “The Asthmatic Elephant

  1. I wasn't bored at all, on the contrary… it's nice when women finally talk about problems we all have and sometimes ashamed to talk about.
    I really enjoyed reading this post I'm happy for you for the healthy makeover. I should start one of my own. I think this post gave me some motivation to start with it and avoid excuses.
    Keep up the good work and do share about it.


Comments are closed.